The Jungle King
by Demented Insane Spirit
Summary: In the jungle, there are two brothers who want to be the Jungle King and they'll do anything to get that position. Short Oneshot Pure Humor!


DIS: Well, I don't really have any idea what to work on right now, so I thought I might see what I can do with a one-shot - for now, at least.

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_Title: The Jungle King (Tarzan) _

_Rating: T_

_Genre: Humor_

_Summary: In the jungle, there are two brothers who want to be the Jungle King and they'll do anything to get that position. Short One-shot; Pure Humor!_

_Disclaimer: I do not own Tarzan, nor do I own Inuyasha._

_Notes/Warnings: Slight OOCness with the characters; short one-shot_

_X_

_Tarzan_

Ah, what a day it was in the jungle. The sun was bright, the water hole didn't stink like monkey crap and, well, it was a good day. _A good day SO FAR, _Kagome thought, glancing around with a scowl on her face. _I don't know where Inuyasha is and when I can't see him...trouble is brewing. _Huffing to herself, she turned returned to picking fruit from the trees.

"AWWOAAAWWOOAA!"

_(-.-) I knew it, _Kagome thought. _I know that cry anywhere. _"Inuyasha, stop swinging on the vines!" She snapped at him, her hands on her hips. Inuyasha swung above her and her jaw dropped, spotting what was underneath his loincloth. Her cheeks turned bright red and she let out a shriek. "INUYASHA, GET DOWN - NOW!"

"Now?" He queried slyly, swinging towards her.

"NOW!" Inuyasha snickered, before releasing the vine and falling on her. Her eyes widened as he landed on her, flattening her. Inuyasha smirked at her irritated expression. "Inuyasha..."

"(o.o) Uh oh...Oh, hey!" He pointed towards the right. "What's behind those trees over there?" Kagome blinked, then turned to see what he was pointing at. Inuyasha hurried away and when Kagome realized she had been duped, a large coconut landed on Inuyasha's head, knocking him back. "OW! Son of a bitch!"

"Inuyasha, what have I said about swearing?" Kagome demanded, frowning at him. He muttered something mutinous under his breath, before turning to see his older half-brother, Sesshomaru, standing on a large tree branch in only a loincloth just like Inuyasha. Sesshomaru chuckled, twisting a larger coconut in his head, his amber eyes glaring down at his younger brother.

"Who the hell do you think you are?" Inuyasha roared at him. Sesshomaru eyed him with disgust, before tossing the coconut in the air and catching it.

"I would have thought it was obvious, _little brother,_" he told him softly. "I almost pity you. It must be terrible to go through life dealing with total stupidity." A corner of his mouth tilted upward in a rare, ghost of a smile. "Though, knowing how your mother was a ditz, it's no surprise."

"HEY! Just because my mother had some fun with a monkey here and there doesn't mean that she's a ditz! She's just...misunderstood!"

"(-.-) Inuyasha, you're kidding yourself," Kagome informed him. She suddenly turned to Sesshomaru, bright-eyed. "Oh, Sesshomaru!" She called in a sing-song voice. "Inuyasha's going to be gone tonight, so..." The youkai rolled his eyes, shooting her a dirty look.

"Oh, _please_," Inuyasha snorted. "Haven't you realized that Sesshomaru prefers little girls?"

"You had better hope you're not talking about Rin, Inuyasha," he growled, glaring viciously at him.

"Oh? And why not? - _Child lover_." The monkeys in the trees gasped, along with Kagome. Sesshomaru glared down at him, obviously pissed.

"You'll regret those words, Inuyasha."

"Bring it on, Sesshomaru! My Stick of Killing Power will obliterate your Stick of Healing Power!"

"Moron, I'm not even going to use my Stick of Healing Power. I'm going to use my Stick of Awesome Power." Sesshomaru brought out a bamboo stick with sharp leaves on it and Inuyasha brought his bamboo stick out with one long, sharp leave on it. Sesshomaru jumped from the branch, careful to keep his loincloth from flying down.

"You ready, pansy?" Inuyasha asked, going into a stance.

"I know I am, but I have doubts about you, Inuyasha," Sesshomaru sneered, before they lunged at each other.

Clack!

Their sticks hit each other's.

Clack! Clack! Clack!

No one was getting an opening shot.

Clack - !

Sesshomaru flung Inuyasha's Stick of Killing Power from his hands and pressed his Stick of Awesome Power to Inuyasha's throat. "Now I will be the Jungle King."

"Um..." Kagome blinked, then wailed, "Oh, no, don't kill Inuyasha! My love, Inuyasha, my love!" She paused. "I think that was convincing...Yeah, that was convincing."

(sweat drop)

"Sesshomaru-sama!" Two voices called and footsteps hurried to where the fight was going on.

"Oh, Sesshomaru-sama has Inuyasha cornered!" Jaken announced to Rin, who was dragging a bunch of bananas behind her. She clapped her hands, setting the bananas down briefly, before retrieving them.

"Next time, Inuyasha," Sesshomaru warned, "next time." He paused. "But for now, I must have lunch with Rin. She gets upset if I miss an appointment."

"Oh, okay," Inuyasha said. "That's alright. I'll be here tomorrow around sunset if you wanna meet up and do this again."

"Hmm...Yes, that will work. Until tomorrow then, Inuyasha," Sesshomaru told him, turning to follow Rin and Jaken back to their treehouse.

"Okay, see you tomorrow then, Sesshomaru." His older brother nodded and Rin led the way to the treehouse, singing a bright song.

(sweat drop)...

"Inuyasha!" Kagome slapped him across the head and the hanyou rubbed his head, grumbling. "Even though I absolutely adore Sesshomaru - who has a cute butt, by the way - I should inform you that you could have easily defeated him right then! Geez, Inuyasha, where's your brain today?"

"(o.o) Um..."

_Flashback_

_"Aw, hell no, Miroku, you've gotta be kidding me!" Inuyasha roared, staring at the cards (that are made out of leaves from trees, I might add). "I couldn't have lost!"_

_"Oh, yes, you did, Inuyasha and now I get to have your brain!" Miroku declared, standing up and laughing maniacally. _

_"(OO)..." Shippo and Inuyasha gazed at him, in awe at how insane their friend could become. _

_"Ahem...Anyway, give me your brain, Inuyasha." _

_"Damn, fine." Inuyasha handed him a little toy that looked like a brain. "I can't believe I lost that." _

_"Hahaha! I'm off, then!" Miroku did flips away from them. _

_"AUGH! EW! DUDE! TUCK IT IN!" Shippo and Inuyasha snapped at him, disgusted. _

_"You're just jealous!" Miroku called from some meters away. _

_"(-.-) Yeah right." _

_End Flashback _

"Honestly, Kagome?" He asked her with a sigh.

"(oO) Huh? Oh, well...Sure," Kagome replied uncertainly.

"I lost my brain to Miroku."

"(X.X) What? How did you do that?"

"We were playing cards and I betted it."

"Inuyasha, you might be stupid, but you're not _that_ stupid! Besides, you wouldn't be living without your brain. It's just a figure of speech. Geez."

"No, Kagome, I really did lose my brain to Miroku." Inuyasha sulked. "I wish I had it back. It made me so confident with it around."

"(oO) Inuyasha..." She sighed, rolling her eyes. "Oh, forget it. It's useless. Just stop acting like an idiot, won't you!" Kagome stormed off, leaving Inuyasha standing in the clearing.

"(;.;) I wonder if I can bribe Miroku into giving my brain back..." He wondered aloud to himself.

X

Sesshomaru sat in the moonlight, staring at his Stick of Healing Power sourly. _Why did father, the Jungle King, give me this piece of shit? _He wondered to himself irritably. _I mean, come on! This is the most stupid stick I've ever seen! It can't even break a rock! _He struck it against a rock and the stick snapped in two. Sesshomaru jumped to his feet. _Why the hell did it do _that_? I've done it dozens of times when pondering on this and it's never broke before! _He gazed at the two pieces and he swallowed.

"Sesshomaru-sama!" Rin called, jogging out to him. "Here's your Stick of Healing Power. Sorry, but I have to use it to bring back my pet elephant alive. Jaken accidentally killed it."

"Mmm," he murmured, trying to sound intelligent. _Then where did I get this other stick? _

"Oh, no, Sesshomaru-sama!" She cried, taking the broken pieces of the stick. "You broke my Lucky Stick..." She paused. "Oh, well, I guess I'll find another Lucky Stick. Goodnight, Sesshomaru-sama!" She kissed him on the cheek, a quick peck and skipped back to the treehouse. Sesshomaru hardly noticed Rin's kiss. A sudden idea bloomed in his mind and he smirked to himself.

_Oh, Inuyasha, you will very miserable. I'll even use your own human wench against you. Heh. _

X

Kagome was wandering the forest aimlessly, her mind doing the same thing. She looked genuinely puzzled as she wandered around in a circle around a tree. _It feels as though I've been here before, _she thought as she went around tree again. _How strange! _

Sesshomaru found Kagome going around the tree and he groaned inwardly. He didn't want to deal with such an idiot woman, but he had no choice. If he wanted to defeat Inuyasha once and for all and become Jungle King, then this was the only way. The only way was to use this stupid whore to get the Stick of Killing Power, take it to his treehouse, and then replace Inuyasha's Stick with a normal bamboo stick. _Ah, I am a genius and it's all thanks to my precious Rin. _He flinched. _I need to stop calling her that..._ Sesshomaru approached Kagome and when she saw him, she stopped going around the tree and ran for him, her eyes shining brightly. "Hello Sesshomaru!" She chirped brightly. "What is someone as delicious-looking as you doing out here tonight?" He rolled his eyes to the sky in despair, asking silently, _Why me? _to the gods above.

"...Good...evening...woman," he managed out with difficulty. She giggled, covering her mouth femininely.

"Oh, don't be that way, Sesshomaru! You know my name - it's Kagome!"

_How could I forget? _Sesshomaru thought with a disgusted expression. _Inuyasha screeches her name every five seconds as though he were having an orgiastic experience..._ He shuddered. _I never want to think of my brother doing _that_ with someone again! _Returning to the present, he said, "Right. Kagome." He paused, thinking of the wording he would use. "Tell me...Are you willing to do a favor for me?"

"Oh, _anything_ for you, Sesshomaru!" She sighed, clasping her hands and leaning towards him. Taking a step back, he crossed his arms (yes, he has both arms in this fic) across his chest.

"I need you to steal the Stick of Killing Power for me."

"Really? What do I get in return?" She asked hopefully.

_I was hoping she wouldn't ask..._ "A, ah...kiss."

"(O.O) _Really?_" She repeated with a shrill tone to her voice. "O-oh, Sesshomaru..." She blushed.

"Are you going to do it or not?" He snapped.

"Of course! Just tell me what to do!"

"Alright..."

X

When the Stick of Killing Power was at his treehouse and the fake was at Inuyasha's, Kagome met Sesshomaru at the same tree she had been circling earlier. "I'm ready for my kiss," she declared in a sing-song voice. He felt his heart drop to his stomach.

"...Of course. How could I forget?" He muttered. "Close your eyes." She obeyed, grinning. Sesshomaru hastily thought of a plan, before he licked two of his fingers and pressed them to her lips to imitate him kissing her. She obviously thought that they _were_ his lips. He removed his fingers and wiped them on his loincloth, disgusted. She opened her eyes and slapped her cheeks lightly, her face flushed. "Your cooperation is appreciated."

:"Uh huh..." She murmured distractedly. Sesshomaru hurried away from her back to his treehouse, not wishing to be around her any longer than necessary.

X

The next day at sunset, Inuyasha arrived with his bamboo stick and Sesshomaru with his Stick of Awesome Power. Rin and Jaken were at the sidelines with fans made of leaves. "Go, go, Sesshomaru-sama!" They cheered, waving the fans enthusiastically. Miroku, Sango, Shippo, and a reluctant Kagome had fans as well and were cheering, "Go, go, Inuyasha!" Miroku muttered afterward, "That doesn't sound as good as Sesshomaru's cheer..." He obviously didn't realize that the cheers were the same.

"Are you ready to get your ass kicked?" Inuyasha snarled, raising his bamboo stick.

"I believe," Sesshomaru said smugly, "that you took my line, Inuyasha." He raised his Stick of Awesome Power and the two brothers charged at each other. Sesshomaru's Stick struck Inuyasha's, knocking the hanyou off his feet.

"(OO) What the hell?" He stared down at his broken stick. "What the _hell,_ Sesshomaru!" He roared in sudden horror. "You broke my Stick of Killing Power! B-but how...?" Sesshomaru's mouth lifted slightly as he moved towards him.

"Is that your Stick of Killing Power, Inuyasha? Or...is it a fake that your beloved changed?" Sesshomaru queried, glancing in Kagome's direction. Kagome blinked, then stared at Inuyasha, who was dumbstruck.

"K-Kagome...? No, Kagome wouldn't..." He paused. "(-.-) Oh, who the hell am I kidding? She's wanted to do the humpty-dump with Sesshomaru ever since she met him."

"Why, Inuyasha," Kagome spoke with a light tone, "I believe you're getting smarter!"

"Shut up!" He snapped at her, throwing the two pieces of the bamboo stick, knocking her unconscious. "(o.o) Well, that wasn't my intention, but...Oh well!" He turned to Sesshomaru. "Where's the _real_ Stick of Killing Power, Sesshomaru? I know you stole it!"

"You want it?" Sesshomaru asked him with a dark look. "You're not worthy of our father's Stick!"

"Are you two fighting again?" A booming voice demanded from above. Everyone looked around in surprise, before a handsome male that looked a lot like Sesshomaru landed between the two. The older male glanced at the two, then rolled his eyes. "How many times do I have to tell you two that I'm _not dead! _Niether of you can be Jungle King!"

"Uh..." Inuyasha rubbed the back of his head sheepishly.

"So?" Sesshomaru spoke up impudently. His father scowled at him.

"Such an idiot you are, Sesshomaru! And would you stop denying your feelings for that girl over there!" He pointed at Rin. "For goodness sake, so what if she's a human?"

"(-.-) I hate you, father."

"Yeah, yeah, I know. I hear it from you every time I show up," their father grumbled. "And you, Miroku, give Inuyasha his brain back." Inuyasha brightened and Miroku sighed. With reluctance, Miroku tossed the toy back to Inuyasha. "And Sesshomaru..."

"I _know_!" Sesshomaru snapped. He gestured to Rin, who dragged the Stick of Killing Power to the Inutaisho, handing it to him. He grimaced and gestured to Inuyasha, knowing he couldn't take it. Inuyasha grabbed it greedily. "What a waste of an effort," Sesshomaru muttered to himself before turning to his father. "Couldn't you have chosen a better time to show up?"

"(-.-) You mean when you proclaimed yourself Jungle King, my son? Ah, no, I don't think so. Do I look stupid to you?" Sesshomaru opened his mouth to reply, but the Inutaisho interrupted. "On second thought, don't answer that."

"Fine."

"Now, all of you go home! The show's over." Grumbles came from the monkeys before everyone left, including Inuyasha and his party, along with Sesshomaru, Rin, and Jaken. The Inutaisho stood in the clearing, his hands on his hips. "Ahh...Peace and quiet! Just the way I like it!"

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DIS: (sweat drop) I did warn you that the characters would be extremely OOC. I liked it even though it was all pretty pointless. I just couldn't resist writing this after listening to the Tarzan and Jane song earlier today. Sorry if there are spelling/grammar mistakes. I wrote this on wordpad, unfortunately. Well, please review on your way out and tell me if you enjoyed it! Ciao!


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